loralees-freshed-over-noodles

. . . in yourself, Loralee!

Last week I was suffering from such mid-term burnout that I actually considered not going to school every day . . .

Monday: "I'll just call in sick."
Tuesday: "God! I'm tired, I'll just call in sick"
Wednesday: "Man, I'm fried. I'll just call in sick."
Thursday: "What's one class?? So I miss just one class. I'll just call in sick."

BUT . . . I did indeed make myself go . . . yes I did . . . every effin' day. You see, it is so very typical of me to quit in the middle of something. When I got my first car loan, years and years ago, the salesman looked at my application, "Hmmmmm," he said, "One year at college, one year at this job, one year at that job, one year at this other job. Oh, look at this. You've been THREE years at your current job. Aren't you a little over due?" Yeah . . . yessiree . . . I certainly was TWENTY shades of red. I'm good at beginnings. I'm good at endings. Middles?? Not so good. I vowed to myself that throwing in the towel, on this college thing was, is, and will not be an option. So, that is why I made myself go to school every effing day last week.

I asked one of my teachers if there was such a thing as "mid term burnout" and she said that what I was experiencing was very, very common. I, personally, think that it was because the weeks before my exams, I was so nervous and so "jacked up," that my body experienced a serious let down from not being "jacked up" anymore. I'm not feeling it quite so much now. I am, however, overwhelmed because I have 3 papers due in 2 weeks. Along with that I still have to do all of the reading and the homework. Sigh, sigh, sigh . . .

What has seriously motivated me this week is this . . . (I'm going to brag now) . . . my English teacher told me that if I continue to turn in the kind of work that I've been turning in that I am heading for an "A" in his class. And remember that mid-term for history?? The one where my left eye would not stop twitching? The one where I was so freaked out?? I got an "A." Yeah. An "A." I got one wrong on the multiple choice and she wrote on my essay that it was excellent. She wrote that I was one of two people, in the class, who had the highest score on the exam. WTF? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?? I was completely in shock. I swear I thought that I was going to nab a "B." I truly was shocked . . . albeit pleasantly shocked.

I have always had issues around "not feeling smart enough." I have always felt like I couldn't keep up with people intellectually. I do not know how I got that self image. I do not know why I perpetually held on to that self image. I do know that it has ruled my life for almost 20 years. I do know that these tangible signs of my "not being stupid" have me thinking that I need to re-evalute my sense of what I'm capable of. Maybe I should just have a little more faith in my capabilities??? Sounds good to me. I think that I'm capable of thinking this over and I think that I am smart enough to let go of that old image. How wonderful that I'm not only learning new and fascinating things in school, but new and fascinating things about myself.